I hope this is not my legacy

I have this romantic idea of writing a novel, no doubt inspired by the TV show Californication amongst other things, and a while ago I thought about how I would proceed. I decided to try and write a short story, just to demonstrate to myself the ability to fabricate a situation, a plot and some characters. It turns out that doing this is far more difficult than it sounds. I’m sure that given some constraints I would be able to proceed much more easily- tell me to write a massively sarcastic tale in the style of Heller about a space pilot in an intergalactic war and I’m I would be able to begin to tackle the problem, albeit, I’m sure, poorly. With a wide open subject matter, writing style and format however, it is incredibly difficult to sit down with a blank page and just write something.

I wonder if I have an imagination at all any more. I used to live in a little dream world. When I worked in manual jobs with plenty of time to think I used to dream up whole life plans and just play them out in my head for hours, seeing where they went, what I wanted, who I would meet etc. I never do that any more. I don’t think it is lack of time, so much as a sensory overload- when you have to be in front of a CNC mill all day, you don’t have the option to go on Facebook. I guess it is one of those things where when you have to do it you complain, but looking back it is great and you miss it, but not enough that you actually choose to do it. An example: when I had a car I missed walking places even though I could obviously still walk whenever I wanted. My motorbike is currently broken and I actually love not having the option to do anything other than walk around or get the train. I miss my amazing life plans, though I’m actually living one of them, conceived years ago, scarily closely.

I was reading part of “The Defence Of The Realm” earlier when I realised that my chronic non-imagination problem has actually hit me deeper than I previously thought. The written words on the page were simply not translating into anything real at all. The particular section I was reading was regarding the vetting of personnel into the Civil Service at the beginning of the Cold War and it talks merrily about various new MI5 responsibilities in defending the nation against Soviet espionage. I realised this evening that whilst I may be taking in the sentences, and may now be capable of spurting off some fact about the 1951 Tripartite Conference on Atomic Energy, but I don’t really understand the situation at all. I am obviously reading the book to gain some degree of understanding (a broad overview), but reading these facts is not really getting me any closer. It is like I just see the “Soviets” and “the bureau” as these entities playing funny games with each other; I’m not able to really understand the nature of the situation because I can’t reconstruct any of it in my head.

I have also been watching the first series of the drama Mad Men, centred on the lives of advertising executives in Manhattan in the 1960′s. I am finding it really fascinating for several reasons. Firstly I love the 1960′s styling and visuals. The men are of course immaculately dressed at all times, with some fantastic haircuts, glasses and suits on show. It is a really good show to look at, and I will be taking some inspiration from it in the future.

Secondly corporate life intrigues me greatly and always has. I have never quite understood what people did in offices and the show kind of perpetuates my intrigue. It seems that the executives sit around in their private offices drinking, smoking and meeting whilst legions of secretaries natter and type things up. I recently saw a photo from a draughtsmen’s office at McDonnel Douglas in the sixties- hundreds of engineers sitting at drawing boards with bezier curve guides and pencils- and was amazed. I suppose I knew that this was how aeroplanes used to be designed, with hundreds of man hours being put into the design of each part, but seeing a photo really brought it home to me the difference which computers have made to that industry. CAD/CAM could probably replace all but a handful of that room of engineers. The same could probably be said for the majority of the women employees of the Mad Men office.

Thirdly, I am very interested by the portrayal of sexism in the show. Now I guess that before watching the show I knew there was a lot of prejudice against women in the workplace in the past, but it had a big impact on me to see it in an every day style setting. Sexism isn’t portrayed as a joke or as a struggle in the show, it is just the status quo. Imagine a show portraying racism as a normal part of life (and there are certainly occasions where this happens in Mad Men) and how shocking that would be and you are there. I think it is easy for people of my generation to pass off racism and sexism as things which happened to people in the past, and are no longer important or relevant. I suppose that the more true the previous statement is the better, but I think it is important that we also understand the changes that have happened within living memory.

So I have this problem. It took a photo of draughtsmen to make me realise how aeroplanes used to be designed and it took a TV drama to show me how sexism actually affected women in real life. Have I become incapable of imagining things? I can barely read a book packed full of information and opinions because I can’t translate the word “Soviet” on the page to anything but either the red team in “C&C: Red Alert” or that picture of Stalin. I can’t write a short story or imagine the future of my life. So why not?

I think I blame sensory overload, and I think I need to detox.